Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Hard Day

So yesterday was a hard day for me.  I had to take my daughter to get a renal sonogram and a dye test to see how her kidneys are doing.  She has had some major issues going on and they wanted to be sure nothing is wrong with her kidneys since we have a family history of kidney disease and stones.  

I let her pick out what she wanted to wear and she was so incredibly cute!  She picked a pink shirt that said "nature lover" and a blue jean skirt, with a princess baseball cap and her new adidas jacket that's purple and blue!  What a cutie!  I almost cried just seeing what she picked and how cute she was (yep emotional already).  
So we get to the Dr.'s office and thank goodness my mom had come for support and to watch Kaden while we were in the exam rooms.  The sonogram goes fine - just like a regular sono when you have a baby or something.  She watched Rattatooie (sp?) while the lady moved the sono tool around on her little belly and took pictures.  NO BIG DEAL! was time for the dye test.  She was really brave at first doing everything the nurses told her to do without a wimper.  Until...they started putting the catheter in.  That's when the crying and screaming started.  I had to hold her little arms down while they put that in.  I guess it was so hard because you spend so much time telling your kids that people aren't allowed to touch you down there, etc. etc. and then you have to kind of un-explain this when your child has a procedure like this and try to make it make sense to them, reassuring them that it's only ok because you are there, it's the dr., etc.  
So, I sat there, holding her little arms down, watching her scream and cry, shaking because it was so painful for her little body and there was nothing I could do, except try to hold back my own tears and pray it would be over quickly.  That feeling of looking into your child's eyes and seeing the pain and not being able to do anything about's such a hopeless feeling.   
Then it was over and the tears were dried and we left.  The nurses gave her all kinds of prizes that included Hannah Montana stickers, a little Ty Teddy Bear, and snacks of teddy grahams and apple juice.  
So...we get in the car and I'm strapping her in to her car seat and trying again not to lose it because I just need to let it out, when she says this (holding her new Ty Teddy Bear), "Maybe my bear cried when I was crying."  So that's it, I can't hold it back anymore, the tears start flowing, my mom asks me what she says and I can't talk, she sees me crying and she starts crying, etc. etc.  
So, here's the many reasons for the tears:  I cried cause I felt helpless, I cried cause my baby didn't understand why this hurt so bad and why I was letting them do this to her, I cried because of that look in her eyes, I cried because she was shaking while trying to endure the pain, I cried because she was screaming so loud it hurt my ears, I cried because I would much rather be the one in pain than have to sit and watch her go through this, and then...

I cried because I was thankful.  It sounds weird, but I started thinking about all these mothers who have children who are very ill, or even terminally ill, and I just can't imagine what they go through.  I honestly don't know how they can do what they do over and over again.  So I cried for them...just thinking how hard this was, and this is minor compared to what some people are going through, and at least I get to take my child home when its over, and I cried because I just pray that they have God in their lives.  

God is the only thing that can get you through something like this.  I can't imagine not having a hope, a trust, that God is watching over us and will never give us more than we can handle.  I REALLY don't know how people go through things like this if they are not Christians.  I was reminded of this book I'm reading called "My Sister's Keeper".  There's a movie out about it right now, which I haven't seen yet, not sure I want to now, but I just can't imagine.  

I praise my God that he is there when I need him, I praise him for my precious children that are so brave and that I love so much, I praise him that when I am weak - he is strong!!!!  I praise him for my friends and family that are always there to support me no matter what.  And I praise him most of all because "He knows the plans he has for me (and my kids), plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a future and a hope!"  Jer. 29:11  Thank you so much Lord for that hope!


Leah said...

Awww, bless your heart! I can only imagine how difficult that was... so glad it's over!!! I was upset just reading it, give Kinsley an extra big hug for me today!

Leah said...

P.S. Almost forgot, you asked about my camera... it is a Canon Rebel T1i

Sarah said...

I was crying right along with you as I read this. What a difficult experience. Was everything OK with her kidneys, etc?

Mande said...

while i was reading this, all i could think is that must be how God feels for us and how He (in Jesus) took it all for us, so we didn't have to. thanks for sharing!

I know how you feel, i've been there too. i think it is harder the older they get. when do you get the results? i'll be praying for kinsley!

marymary said...

You made me cry too, very well put Jara. You have a sweet, tender spirit and I'm so glad to know you.